Week 193 motherhood – kindergarten open house, you again, Green Acres wonders of nature, triple P

Forever tainting this part of the community centre

Week 193 motherhood with 3 year 8 month old and 17 month old.

Warning: Long blog post ahead (5,300+ words).

May 23 to 29, 2004:

May 23: The eldest had her kindergarten open house at her elementary school. (Interestingly enough, 2 other people we know also had their kids’ kindergarten open house that day too!) We arrived 10 minutes early to the school and hung out around the lobby area. Upon getting out from the car, the child actually wanted to be held, but I quickly shot it down and said she had to walk because her future teachers would be there and judging her if she was to be carried inside. Thankfully, she listened right away and was willing to walk inside.
The educators had prepared a booth for the kids to sign in. When asked what her name was, she of course didn’t want to say it and wanted us to say it for her instead. She wanted me to put her name tag on her as well.
We were directed to room 121 where the kindergarten classroom was set up with different stations. The first one was a playdoh station for the name to stick the playdoh on to her/his own name. Unfortunately, they couldn’t find the child’s laminated name and asked us to go to another station first instead (fail on their part honestly).
I noticed on the wall of the classroom some phonics education teaching kids how to sound out letters (my kindergarten friend asked me to look out for this). There was also a powerpoint presentation playing talking about kindergarten and what to expect. It is a same one that they sent out in the e-mail a few weeks ago.
We went around the classroom and showed the child the cubbies where she will be hanging up her jacket and changing her shoes. I pointed out the washroom. There was an area for reading and a play kitchen. Some of the things were a bit worn out. It reminded me of the Seamless Transitions classroom and how EarlyON classrooms are much more clean and contain higher quality toys. EarlyON receives more funding than public schools possibly? Or at least they’re concentrated so the main and mobile sites really showcase the quality toys and programming whereas there are hundreds and thousands of public schools in Ontario.
We went to the station where there were numbers written on a sheet and you had to match the plastic numbers to it. The child didn’t want to do it. She was quite clingy to DH. When a teacher came over (later found out she was one of the kindergarten teachers) and tried to talk to her, she didn’t want to make eye contact or acknowledge her. I gave the teacher a brief summary of what’s been up with her (already a timid child who needs warming up who had a brief separation trauma issue in March that we are still dealing with). The teacher didn’t seem so empathetic and told me that she will likely cry on the first day of kindergarten (yes, I know that). She also did the first number “1” for her on the sheet and asked her to match the rest. However, my child didn’t want to do it. The teacher then retreated and scribbled something on her clipboard.
All of the educators were holding clipboards with the kids’ names on it. They were making observations about the kids! Really smart idea. I don’t think I ever had this happen to me as a kindergarten student (I wouldn’t have remembered anyway). This “pre-assessment” is clever for them to know who is coming into their classrooms in September so they know how to prepare for them. Kudos to this school. I like that already.
Next, we moved on to the station where there was a sheet with the alphabet and they were given markers to trace the letters. The child didn’t want to do it at all and DH helped her. Even when helping her though, she was not really willing to do it herself. When holding her hand in his, another educator came around and corrected her on holding the marker. I was impressed. I liked that she noticed and wanted to correct her. For this other educator, she also was not acknowledged by the child. I again gave her a brief summary of what happened to her. This educator was actually empathetic and showed a frowning sad face with compassion. I really liked that.
Later, the child decorated the brown paper bag with stickers and coloured glue sticks.
One of the other educators asked aloud whether all the kids had done their names yet (in playdoh). I told her that our child’s name wasn’t to be found. She went to the other room and got it for us. She said that the names were in the other room and that the room number had been changed on them that day. She was nice and apologetic about it. She showed the child how to roll up the playdoh in her hands to do the first letter of her name. The child quietly finished the rest of her name as the rest of the other kids finished their stations and started to leave. The one hour was up. She is super quiet and careful about finishing her tasks. She can do it. She just needs encouragement, patience with her, and time. I hope that she gets an understanding and patient teacher for school.
I was informed that there were going to be 3 classes of kindergartners — 2 full classes with 30 students and 1 half class with 15 students. The full classes would have a teacher and DECE while the half class would only have one teacher. When asked how they sort the kids, I was given the answer that it was put into a computer and randomized. However, another educator told me that it depended on what they observed about the kids today. DH and I joked that our child probably got low scores for her sociability — not surprised but she will get there. It is only kindergarten.
I also ended up chatting with the principal and asked her about the Building Blocks/Bridges program. They unfortunately don’t have it at my child’s school. She said that I could try to register for it at another school but since it wouldn’t be her home school, she might develop a liking for the other school later and it wouldn’t align with our original purpose. It’s too bad they don’t have the program at her home school…
We were the very last ones to leave. The child carefully made sure to wash her hands afterwards at the low sink (we have built in this habit to wash hands always and before going home).
She was happy and content when we were leaving and noticed that we were exiting from the building that is close to the playground that she frequently plays at.
Later that night, she was excited to dig into her brown bag and look at the stickers (to stick them on to the other side of her paper bag) and also read the pamphlet booklet about kindergarten together too.
Speaking of reading, the 3 year old loves to read the 5 minute Peppa pig book and wants us to read it from beginning to end with her. I told her that she can read it with DH once she’s all bathed at the end of the night (that way, she can fall asleep to it).
The 17 month old also loves bringing us books to read now. I am so glad and happy that she likes reading a lot now too!
Because the 3 year old can sit and listen to such a long book (the peppa book), any other book she brings me to read to her seems so much shorter than before. She is really absorbing what we give her to read.
The 3 year old likes to play with the 17 month old nowadays sometimes. Sometimes she’ll say she likes her sister and sometimes she doesn’t. She said she likes it when her sister is sitting in the high chair (because then she won’t be able to touch her lol).
May 23: Grandma had another volunteer session at the Longevitology program again, so I asked DH to come with us to the community centre for the Zumbini program. Ever since registering for this 8-week program, this is only the first time we attended (because of various sickness or cruise or the child not wanting to go with us). The eldest stayed with DH as he worked while I stayed with the youngest in the class. She was a little sheepish at the beginning and wanted to sit in my lap. She didn’t even want to stand up like the other kids and wanted me to carry her instead. When it got to the parts with the instruments though, she livened up. She held the silk scarf and played with it. She copied what the other kids around us did with the sticks and stuck them in between the mats. She played on the small drum. She played with the fan too and sat on it lol. I had to nurse her a couple times too. Later in the class, I saw someone talking to one of the facilitators and then snapping a photo of the entire class. Um, excuse me? I thought that photos were not allowed without our consent. Later, I realized that the lady was the supervisor of the Markham EarlyON site. She came around to some of the parents to say hi. I already knew in my mind that if she came to say hi to me, I would let her know what’s been happening in our household since March.
Anyway, the class ended and DH and the eldest child found us. We were hanging out by the area where there was a snakes and ladders game on the floor. The child wanted me to throw the dice and I was teaching her how to play the game. As we were playing, the Markham EarlyON supervisor really does walk by and notice us and says “hi, how have you guys been”. Ho, ho, ho, I took this opportunity to unleash at her what has been happening:
I told her, no, we weren’t doing so well. (Definitely not the “we’re doing well, fine thanks” answer she was probably looking for!)
I told her that ever since the March 19 JTK incident, we have been trying to recover from it because it traumatized my child into not wanting to attend EarlyONs and feeling like she was going to be abandoned. I told her my child has been having nightmares at home and telling us that she didn’t want to be left by herself. We had been trying to attend EarlyONs but the child didn’t want to go — it was so bad that we would be sitting inside the car at the parking lot but she would refuse to go in. I told her that we had been to the JTK programs at Richmond Hill, Thornhill, Aurora, and NONE of them were like what the Markham one did. The other ones were gentle and understanding about not separating the child from day one.
The supervisor was instantly defensive and tried to tell me that the classroom layout at Markham wasn’t good for a carpet on the floor. LOL, a carpet on the floor is the LEAST important thing to worry about here. She also started telling me the story about her son and how he was like this as a kid before too and blah blah blah. I cut her off because I had heard this story about her son twice before and I also wasn’t even finished talking yet. She was cutting me off first. Unlike on the phone last time, I wasn’t playing nice anymore. She needed to hear what I had to tell her. I told her also that it was even more maddening because I happened to talk to the TRAINERS of the JTK program at the Thornhill site and they were super shocked and heartbroken to know that their training fell on deaf ears. They adamantly opposed the technique of letting kids cry during separation. Instead, that’s exactly what the Markham staff did during the first day of the JTK program. There was no compassion or respect for the child. When I told the supervisor this, she said that her staff had many years of experience in this program and that THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME IT HAPPENED IN THE PROGRAM. Um, in that case, it means you weren’t prepared for the 1% of the population (my child) and STILL incorrectly handled it. What was the point of the trainers telling staff members this and yet the Markham staff still didn’t follow the new teachings and did it their old-school way? And to do it to my already timid and clingy child was very unacceptable indeed.
- Also, how do you know it was indeed the “very first time” it happened? Maybe it has happened to other kids but the parents never spoke up about it or it was swept under the carpet. How can you say that? Why would you even bring that up to me?
I told her that there was no transition activity, no songs, or no introduction to get to know the child/staff. Upon registration, the child was immediately told to go play and separate from the parent. It is so inhumane. (I didn’t use this word.)
I told her how the facilitators urged me to leave the room, that I was late to the parent component, and how another facilitator told me that it’s normal for a child to cry on the first day and then a little the next day and so on. But I told her this was not real school where the child can be there all day all week to get to know the staff. This was just EarlyON. Why did the Markham EarlyON staff have to force my child to separate from me in such a traumatic and forceful way?
She kept trying to talk over me. I wasn’t even finished talking yet. I told her I was angry and felt very unlucky that we attended the Markham JTK program first. Had I attended any of the other locations first, I would have known that this was not the proper way for the program to be carried out.
She tried to bring up the fact that my child was sitting fine with me when she saw us that day at the Markham site. Well, duh, she was fine by then because she had spent 30 minutes crying non-stop inside the classroom already. It was only because it got really bad that the facilitators brought her to me in the parent room. The supervisor tried to steer me in the other direction and distract me with how the child was fine afterwards. 🙄
She did say some cliche things like, “This was a learning experience”. She should have left it at that instead of trying to defend her staff and her unit.
She also tried to touch my arm (as I was clearly heated) as a way to console me. Um, no, biotch. Don’t touch me. I don’t want to be touched. I moved away from her hand. I was busy trying to outline to her all the things her staff did wrong and what it has caused us — hours of heartbreak at home and trying to mend what has happened, nightmares, crying, getting thrown back into square one and having to repair and recover an already timid child into going to a school setting is not easy. All I wanted was a pair of listening ears and for her to acknowledge what happened. I didn’t want to hear defensive words — she wasn’t even there. It was her staff who were there and did this.
I told her it was only a month ago that I finally “saw the light at the end of the tunnel” and she was so happy to ride on that point. But she doesn’t understand just because I see the light at the end of the tunnel, it doesn’t mean things are fully back to normal and okay now. It just means I am FINALLY starting to see improvement and we’re still a long way off. The program was supposed to prepare her for kindergarten in September and yet we’re still not sure how she will be at drop-off on the first day. My child still will say things like “Am I going to be left alone?” when we go to programs and I have to reassure her she won’t be by herself. It was ONLY last week in mid-May that grandma and I were able to take both kids to a program successfully. It took TWO months, Ms. Supervisor. Dammit, just hear me out.
In the end, she said “we just want to create a safe and welcoming environment”. I snapped at those words. I told her, “No, it was NOT safe and it was NOT welcoming”. Before I finished my words, she actually turned and stormed off and left the building. WOW.
- It was not safe because I saw one of the facilitators physically drag one of the boys back into the room when he ran out of the classroom. So dangerous.
- It was not welcoming because there was no introduction or transition activity to welcome and guide the kids to the first day of the JTK program!
Okay, so how’s that for being unprofessional and rude? Here is a Markham supervisor of an EarlyON program I was speaking to who was 1) not listening to me 2) defending her staff beyond measure 3) cutting me off 4) reactive and emotional 4) storms off without saying goodbye/finishing the conversation.
Honestly I don’t even know how things will be the next time I see her. I for sure will see her again the next time we visit the Markham main site for programs (funny that she was here at this Zumbini program because I have never seen her here). But she needs to understand that what her staff did was wrong and just to LISTEN to an upset parent. The more she tried to console me and defend her staff and BLAME me (by saying it was the first time this happened), the angrier I got. I felt like I wasn’t being heard. I felt like she was just trying to say things to protect herself. Of course I know the incident already happened and my child will grow and learn from this, but in the meantime, I NEED someone to hear me out — especially now that I know the staff WERE NOT supposed to hold the program in this way. I don’t ever want this incident to happen to any other child or adult.
- Isn’t being a supervisor also like being someone in the service industry? And in the service industry, isn’t the phrase “the customer is always right” a key phrase to uphold customer satisfaction? I was a parent who did not receive adequate or satisfactory treatment. I was laying it all down plainly for the first time. All she had to do was just listen and “yes ma’am” me. But she didn’t and went off on the deep end and was truly disrespectful and just horrible.
DH and both kids were actually behind me the entire time this exchange was taking place. And so of course DH and I had a discussion about it in the car afterwards. He said he would be curious how the JTK program is now run at the Markham programs. Would they do things the same way by forcing the child to separate from the parent on the first day, knowing what they know now and having this incident happen? I mean we could register for an upcoming session of JTK to find out, but honestly I don’t want to deal with the struggle and effort of it. The staff would also clearly recognize our child’s name once we register too. We could just go once on the first day to see what happens, but is that really worth my time?
I couldn’t believe the whole exchange happened again and I had to decompress afterwards. All the anger I felt towards the incident rose up again and especially because the supervisor wasn’t listening to me and kept cutting me off.
And it was funny because had she not approached me, I wouldn’t have spewed all on her. There was no way I wouldn’t have told her all this otherwise. Both DH and my friend who I told this to said it was her own fault for coming to me to say hi and asking how we were doing (lol).
And too bad that she didn’t know how to react and just basically defended herself in all the wrong ways that a victim(‘s mom) wanted to hear.
It is really unfortunate that the exchange happened though because I don’t feel all that great about it either. I really wanted to put this behind me but the moment she came up to us to ask us how we were doing, I felt it a right as a parent to inform her about the damage that was caused. If I didn’t tell her, how would she know? If I kept quiet, how would that help my kid (or other kids) in the future? How would it help EarlyON Markham to bring forth a better JTK program?
That evening, grandma and I had a long-awaited mommy-daughter date. It is so nice to eat without the kids. I can eat without being interrupted at my own pace.
On the Saturday, we attempted to attend the Stories, songs, rhymes in Cantonese and Mandarin EarlyON program as a family at the library in Richmond Hill. Unfortunately, we were late in leaving the house (later than I wanted) and arrived right at 10:30 when the program began. It was too late though and they had just gave out the last ticket to the program. Huge sigh. I was the one more disappointed than the kids though because they don’t know what they don’t know. We stayed in the library where the kids read books, played with the doll house, lego, and other open-ended toys. I felt FOMO when I went to the washroom because I heard their songs from outside the room and it sounded like a really good class. Oh well. This just means we need to make sure we really get out door early next time to get a spot. I realize how valuable these free EarlyON programs are and as EarlyON becomes more known in the community, the less spaces there are when it comes to first-come-first-serve programs.
I was really impressed with the kids. They sat nicely around the doll house and played together side by side. Moreover, the 3 year old played with lego blocks by herself and made a boat and fitted a flag, light, and people on it. She was so happy to play by herself. Also, she was singing out loud in the library too when playing! She usually only does that at home. She was so comfortable in the library that she was singing songs out loud. I love it.
On the Sunday, I had a couple hours of me time since DH took the kids to his sister’s house to play (but still never enough). He said both kids were very clingy to him unfortunately. Unfortunately too, the timing was supposed to be for me to have a truly empty house to enjoy it in. Turned out that grandma was home during that time too.
On Monday, we went to Green Acres Day Camp where EarlyON/Family Day had booked out the morning for us to play. Unfortunately, it was raining like cats and dogs outside and it was going to be a rain or shine event. We could have decided not to go but since it was a popular event that is difficult to register for, I made the push and we arrived on time there at 9:15 a.m. I wrongly trusted one of the facilitators there when she said that most of the programming was going to be indoors because I changed out the boots I already had on to the regular walking shoes I usually wear. It turned out that, yes, while 100% of the programming was indoors, we still had to WALK from one shelter to another at the farm which meant that all of the rain at the end of the 2 hours basically soaked my shoes. I should have just left my boots on. Sigh.
It was a very well organized and thoughtful event, as always. The kids got to ride on a tractor wagon, see goats, baby goats, pet an award-winning show rabbit named Eddie, “milk” a fake cow, participate in an egg race, “dress” up like a chicken and see the difference between a good egg and a bad egg under a special light, and play games together “what belongs on a farm/doesn’t belong in a farm”. This EarlyON event was run by 3 sites: EarlyON Thornhill, Markham, and Markham East. It was a little unnerving to see some of the facilitators there, especially the one who forced my child to separate at JTK. A little bit of trauma there, you know? I barely made eye contact with her as I didn’t want to interact with her in case she recognized my child (and she might have).
Despite the rain, I think my kids enjoyed it. The 3 year old didn’t want to participate in most of the activities like petting the rabbit or goats or do the egg race or even milk the fake cow but she definitely observed and learned from watching. The 17 month old petted the rabbit, “milked” the fake cow with grandma’s help, and did the race egg with me. Both kids did do the farm/not farm activity too. The younger one passed out in the car on the way home.
In the afternoon, I met with one of the facilitators for the first Triple P Fear-Less consultation at 1 p.m. It was a one-on-one consultation. It was actually not as daunting as I thought it would be and very eye-opening. The educator was lovely, straight-forward, and gave me a lot of information on session one. Long story short, anxiety can be a vicious cycle and one that we might not be aware of. Parents and humans all make mistakes. We as parents are responsible for a LOT of the child’s behaviour. It can be worked on and resolved. The Triple P program was started in Queensland, Australia and is used all over the world by experts.
I was given a booklet with homework to complete. It definitely wasn’t what I expected (I guess I don’t even know what I expected to begin with). Good that I had zero expectations or assumptions about it either.
I told DH and grandma all about it when I got home. Next week, he will try to attend it with me too so I don’t have to regurgitate everything and so he knows how to help her too.
When I told grandma all the examples of how we inadvertently put fear and “teach” anxiety to the child, she listened. I hope she works on herself too because she is just as much of a parent to the kids as we are.
By the Tuesday, both me and the little one had developed a cold (cough and runny noses) so I stayed home with her and let DH attend the week 4 of Seamless Transitions with the older one. It is a big sacrifice on his part but one that he can luckily afford to make.
He said that they didn’t separate at any point during the session but a win was that she was able to eat with the other kids at the snack table. She had her favourite spreadable cheese and the squeezable apple juice.
During circle time, all of the kids said their own name except for her. DH said she still isn’t comfortable in that environment and space yet. (Her third time attending.) He said her hands were tight and she was biting her lips (signs of anxiety).
I use the word “anxiety” loosely here based on what the Triple B book outlined. She isn’t diagnosed with it formally and I don’t want anyone to think she has it officially.
I feel like I’m more exhausted mentally and physically these days. I’m still not getting to sleep by myself. I always have to be on “call” when the 17 month old needs me to be nursed. There’s not much “me time” unless I carve it out myself in the wee mornings or evenings. I don’t have a dedicated “me” space either. We recently had an estimate done for renovating the basement but it’s of course higher than we expected and it doesn’t even include the materials cost. DH doesn’t want to hire our previous contractor because he had a bad attitude and is aging too (handwork is slipping). We’d have to ask for estimates from other contractors — which takes time and effort. There’s unfinished tasks and chores at home that need to be done but always shelved because DH has to run out to the hospital to visit his mom or grandma isn’t available because she’s out at social events or volunteering. I’m glad she is more active socially now. But it comes at a price for me (I’m always the common denominator at home with the kids more than usual). I realize I rely on her so much in the childrearing.
Q: When will things get better? A: When the 3 year old goes to school and is not asking for my attention at home all the time. When the 17 month old starts talking so we know what she wants; when she exits the toddler stage (won’t happen until she’s 3.5 at the earliest so we’re just in the starting stage right now). When the MIL is out of the hospital. When I stop breastfeeding/the 17 month old self-weans. When the 17 month old starts sleeping through the night by herself.
But this is a season of life and it is just busy and like this right now. I am not wishing for it to fast forward or go away. I want to enjoy the kids’ toddlerhoods right now too. But it is tough when I feel like my cup is empty and I can never fill it up enough.
It’s unfortunately that we are sick again because we have to stay home. Things might be better if we were out and about like attending EarlyONs. The time flies by when we are there usually and the kids can learn via play.
We had a breakthrough this week too. After I told the 3 year old a little bit about the Triple P program and what I was doing with the educator (I referred to her as a “teacher” to make it easier for her to understand), we were talking about the time I left her at the JTK classroom. For the first time, the 3 year old told me that there was some sort of dinosaur song they sang. When I pressed for more information, the 3 year old told me, “Ngo mm shurn gon la” (I don’t want to talk about it anymore). This is a breakthrough because we never talked about it like this before. I’m glad that we are at a point where we can talk about what happened during the traumatic event. She might not be ready fully (and that’s okay), but this is better than not acknowledging it or not being able to talk about it.